I know that I like to keep things positive, but I like to be real too. This is going to be an emotional overshare, I am sure. I may regret writing this later, but seeing into my old feelings may be helpful to myself or to my family in the future. I am not going to lie, it was the least celebrated birthday that I have ever had. I bought myself a new rug a couple weeks before, so that was my present. I didn't unwrap anything on my birthday this year. I wished that I had something to open, but I do love the new rug. I knew the night before that it was going to be just a normal busy day with sports and Danny working that night and said that maybe we should just ignore the birthday or try to go to dinner that weekend. I also knew that my parents couldn't come to visit. They usually do and I love that. I knew that they would if they could. I certainly wasn't mad about that. Only sad that my Dad is so sick.
Danny asked if I wanted something special for breakfast, but I didn't because I wanted to eat something healthy that I could plan on my own. He got donuts before he went to work to show that we were celebrating. I wasn't very thankful that he ignored my answer, but I think he wanted to show the kids and I that we were celebrating. He was trying to be kind, so I am thankful for that intention.
Really though, it wasn't too special of a day and I knew it. My lack of close friends around here was super evident and I felt sad and lonely. I thought things like, "It has been over a year and a half here and I am failing at making friends." It is frustrating because I know that I am capable of being a great friend, but it just isn't happening too well lately. I know that I am to blame. I am awkward, insecure, and slow to warm up to adults sometimes. I know it is weird, but I feel so much more comfortable with kids and teenagers. I was just thinking about how I haven't been a good friend to others and haven't celebrated their birthdays well, so why should they celebrate mine. I was really down on myself that morning. I did enjoy lots of facebook messages from friends all over though. Thank you, far away friends and family!
I made it better for myself by volunteering in Katherine's classroom- reading and doing Tuesday folders, and then eating lunch with K and G at school. I really enjoyed those things, but felt sad that no one knew me well enough to know that it was my birthday. I am not the kind of person to go around announcing it, but maybe I should have. Haha!
I was really thankful for Christian when I picked him up because he could tell that I was down and cheered me up. Sweet boy!
I have decided that for next year I am going to have the kind of b-day that I want to have! Not in a spoiled brat kind of way, but in an "I am responsible for my life and for my thoughts, feelings, and actions" kind of way. I really don't like the sadness and victim mentality that I had this year. So, instead I will plan something that I love to do with the family and will also plan a girls dinner or party or a weekend with friends. Hold me to it! 40 is going to be fantastic!
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